The Daily News – funniest British comedy site

Obama threatens force to free Paul Walker from the Fast and Furious series

President Barack Obama has vowed to “use any means necessary” to free the actor Paul Walker from the Fast and the Furious franchise.

Speaking at a White House press conference, he said: “The time has come for the two studios responsible to decide whether they are going to hand this young American back, or to continue breaching his human rights, ie subjecting him to Vin Diesel’s acting.”

9 reasons you can be out and proud to be English on St George's Day

9) St George’s Day. Americans mark July 4 with an orgy of national jubilation, barbecues, parades and fireworks. English people only realise it’s St George’s Day if they drive past a local watering hole called Bar Fusion and notice some bunting.

Baroness Thatcher’s last request was for Lion King cast to lead funeral cortege

Former prime minister Baroness Thatcher’s dying request was that members of the Lion King musical “blew the bloody doors off” at her funeral, it has been revealed.

Performers from the West End show have already been contacted about staging a “freewheeling celebration in full African dress all the way into St Paul’s Cathedral,” David Cameron said last night.

Basic nursing care: a Daily News guide

Malnutrition, dirty clothing and chronic dehydration – it’s disgusting how some patients let themselves go. Thankfully, to solve this the government today announced that new nurses will spend their first year devoting themselves to basic nursing care. Here The Daily News looks at what a typical day in hospital will look like for nurses in training.

0630. Check your elderly patients. If any appear to be unresponsive, test their cognitive skills, eg hold up the front page of the Express and see if they shout something angrily. If they don’t they are possibly dead. Cover with a sheet and move on. This is called triage.

BREAKING NEWS: Adele catches up with pavement

Singing star Adele has caught up with the pavement she has been chasing since 2008, her agent has confirmed.

Police were called to a residential street in Cirencester at 3am today after reports that a young woman was tussling with an 8ft x 3ft strip of concrete.

Let's guess what happens, no.1: Major Crimes starring Mary McDonnell

Welcome to our new series in which we guess what will happen in a new film or TV show, based entirely on a quick look at the poster...

Kinty Tamble (Mary McDonnell) is the go-getting head of Detroit’s Murders, Manslaughter and Prank Phone Calls Department. She’s as comfortable in heels as in a blood-caked forensics outfit, or so it says on her match.com profile. Permanently stoned on Oxycontin, Rohypnol and Lysterine. “It’s the only way I can relax,” she says in episode one. “That and red-hot lesbian sex.” Doesn’t like to talk about her sexuality, as she explained in the Crime Scene Now Magazine article: “101 Reasons Why I Am A Lesbian”. Season two tagline: “If you think her private life’s a mess, you should see her Brazilian.”

9 reasons the late Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez was so popular

9) He and his supporters kept rocking shell suits, right to the bitter end.

8) His policy of Bolivarianism. Widely respected, despited him thinking his country was called Bolivaria.

On the day another damning report on our health is published, we look at the 9 most common ways to die in Britain

9) Shark attack. Last year, 15 people were killed by sharks off the UK coast, and a further six inland. The figures are massively down on the 1961 high of 355 but are still tragically tragic.

8 things she will have to endure while Her Majness the Queen is in hospital

As HRH is treated for gastroenteritis (get well soon, ma'am), we look at some of the indignities she will have to put up with while the Queen is in hospital.

1) Having to endure Prince Harry and mates dressing up as “Nigerian doctors” and playing pranks on other patients.

2) Popping down to Costa for a crafty capuccino and then discovering they want something called “money”.

Pistorius cop on seven attempted murder charges confesses: “I am useless at murder”

The detective at the centre of the Oscar Pistorius trial – who faces seven charges of attempted murder – will be made to re-sit his murder exams.

Hilton Botha yesterday broke down and admitted he “needed help in actually getting the bastards to die”.

He said: “I’m strong on the theory but I can’t get the hang of the guns at all – they're like naughty eels in my hands.”