I look around at the cast of this insane drama: an Afghanistan War veteran with arthritis and a messy divorce... a lecherous puppet... a stoic best friend... a paranoid barman... a bald guy who looks like he wants to shoot someone... and a succession of attractive young women parading around with tins, tins, endless tins, asking for money, before taking their clothes off and gyrating naked on a tiny stage...
Is the quadriplegic in the wheelchair enjoying this? He's not letting on. Rain falls like a dead man against the frosted windows. The cornish pastie turns in my stomach once more like a dinghy rolling in a storm. And the Afghan vet is making his puppet perform its obscene mime in my face again. This is not a quality evening...
David Cameron has been rocked by the rebellion of 81 MPs who voted for a referendum on the UK’s place in Europe’s Strongest Man.
The dissenters want to withdraw from the annual contest of iron-bar bending and barrel lifting to go it alone with a UK-only event involving “the many amazing feats of strength we see around the country at closing time”.
The “Occupy London” protest spread to the Home Counties yesterday, with residents of Sevenoaks angry that they are unable to afford a winter break to Chamonix with the option of border hopping into Italy.
A mob of around six people outside the new Waitrose called on the Government to cancel all their debts immediately and guarantee their first 500 nectar points.
James Patterson has warned readers to hold on to their hats as his new thriller will feature 20-word chapters to “speed up the pace of my bank balance like never before”.
The author of Jack & Jill and Kiss The Girls is paring down his already brisk two-page chapters – and says the resulting book is guaranteed to make fans want to turn the pages of his bank statement deep into the night.
A retired teacher from New Mexico has been drawing on the self-help classic Chicken Soup For The Soul to wage war on her cheating husband.
Deena Vines, 57, first read the bestseller a decade ago and recently decided to work through it again, applying the lessons of its inspirational stories to help intimidate and punish cheating spouse Danny, 60.