To listen to the news, you would think we were already in a post-apocalyptic land of petrol shortages. We’re not, of course, but we probably will be by the weekend. So follow these tips on how to panic buy petrol, and good luck.
1) Run out of house in pyjamas towards petrol station. Take bundle of money in case banking system collapses and they’re not accepting cards. Well done, you’re already pulling off that whole “panicked” look.
2) Arrive at petrol station in pyjamas and realise you’ve forgotten car. If you’re not torn apart by post-apocalyptic scavengers on the forecourt, simply return home, get car and come back.
3) If your petrol station is not busy, relax, you can still enjoy some panic buying. Creme eggs, soft porn, bad sandwiches from some obscure manufacturer, or just some charcoal brickettes – buy as many as your car can hold and feel the thrill of the panic buy.
4) If you don’t want to be so crude as to panic buy, why not “impulse buy” instead? This involves just driving past a petrol station and deciding on a whim to stop and buy some petrol. More dignified and you still end up with a full tank.
5) Go to the petrol station really early in the morning or really late at night. Or in the day, when people are working. So to recap, to avoid the crowds, go in the morning, afternoon or night.
6) Take a long audio book to listen to while you’re queuing. You can get them from libraries although everyone will have had the same idea and we are probably heading for the first ever “panic lending” at libraries.
7) When you finally get your petrol, remember to “panic pay” by dropping coins all over the shop floor and gibbering madly. You will probably have been waiting in the sun for three hours at this point so this should all come easily.
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