To listen to the news, you would think we were already in a post-apocalyptic land of petrol shortages. We’re not, of course, but we probably will be by the weekend. So follow these tips on how to panic buy petrol, and good luck.
1) Run out of house in pyjamas towards petrol station. Take bundle of money in case banking system collapses and they’re not accepting cards. Well done, you’re already pulling off that whole “panicked” look.
Chipmunk Owl Thing. “Basically, 5p on a pint, that ain’t going to make no difference to me. I’m a staff cleaner at the Death Star and there’s a lot of cheap booze floating around there. It’s the only way you can stand to clean out the garbage compactor. You wouldn't believe the disgusting things them stormtroopers chuck away: skin off their elbows; mice; saveloys.”
One of the greatest spy books of all time? Possibly the high point of a master novelist's career? Pah, screw that, I will not read your so-called book, Mr John Le so-called Carre. Never, I tell you! Never! Never! Ooh, they've made a film of it with Gary Oldman? Okay then.