14) The restaurant owners and staff are excited about his visit and refer to him as “Chef Ramsay” throughout the show like it’s some kind of military rank, even when he’s not in the room.
13) The episode of Kitchen Nightmares USA will probably take place on the East coast. Twenty per cent of shows will be on the West coast. No shows will be in the middle.
12) Gordon orders a starter and then, having eaten a bit, “has to” go and be sick. “That’s disgusting, darling,” he will tell apologetic/embarrassed waitress.
11) If he feels their menu is too extensive, he will ask them to make everything on the menu all at once, and then look at it and swear.
10) The owner will have some dramatic back story. In one episode of Kitchen Nightmares USA, the owner was accused by his business partner son of basically nicking $250k of his money to start the restaurant. That’s entry-level back story. Don't even think of applying to be on the programme unless you have that kind of thing as a minimum in your closet.
9) Gordon will do something mad about 40 minutes in, usually closing the restaurant down on health and safety grounds after finding something harmless in the deep freeze, such as a rat.
8) Moment of emotional revelation for the owner. Approx 44 mins in.
7) The restaurant will be transformed overnight from dowdy no-hoper to shining miracle, thanks to nothing more than a $500k refurb.
6) A token bit of kitschy old tat or memorabilia from the restaurant’s previous incarnation will be incorporated in some decoration in the new restaurant.
5) The staff will literally have an orgasm as Gordon shows them the wireless point-of-sale machines.
4) In time for the relaunch, Gordon shows them how to make some advanced dish, eg a ham sandwich. Cue awestruck looks from the staff.
3) Staff f*** up on relaunch night as they attempt to replicate the ham sandwiches. Orders get out of whack. Shots of customers getting impatient.
2) Gordon exhorts owner to get things under control. Owner finally achieves this state of service industry nirvana.
1) Kitchen Nightmares episode ends with Gordon giving little sermon on the doorstep to camera then walking away down the street in his chef’s whites like a madman.
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