14) The big breakfast. Someone in your household saying to you: “Now, we probably won’t eat until three o’clock, so we need to have a big breakfast.” However big the breakfast is, you will still be hungry come three o’clock. And very drunk.
13) The chilled photographer/videographer. Gone are the days when these guys used to dress in top hat and tails and could be mistaken for the groom himself. These days you’re lucky if they even bother to slip on a pair of trousers. Three-day stubble, shorts and a baseball cap are fine. Chilled.
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12) The lovely bit of humour – sorry, the Lovely Bit of Humour – by the vicar/priest. Most Brits feel uncomfortable in a church and so are ridiculously grateful when the vicar kicks off with a gag, however lukewarm it may be, and laugh so hard that they practically disembowel themselves over the flower arrangements. You know the kind of joke: “It’s lovely to hear so many children here today – they’re always guaranteed to add an extra verse to every hymn!” Lovely bit of humour.
Or: “It’s Saturday afternoon, so well done all of you for dragging yourselves away from the shops for once” if he’s bitter about the state of the country, for example.
11) A discussion about the band at the reception being too loud.
10) A really, really shaky old relative who appears to be on their way out.
9) The European man who has come from his country for the wedding but no-one apart from the groom has any idea who he is. It’s usually something to do with university.
8) The couple who are close to the bride and groom but didn’t bother to come even though they don’t live that far away. Always good to gossip about, this one.
Read part two here
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