10) Someone complains to the ship doctor that they feel like an alien’s about to burst out of their chest but he says he can’t fit them in until Wednesday. The alien explodes out of their body while they are on the phone to NHS Direct.
9) Michael Fassbender gets his willy out and has an improvised sex scene with someone. “Improvised” because it isn’t in the script; he just wanted to take his clothes off.
8) Someone tries to open an umbrella on the extreme gale-force, sub-zero temperature surface and it implodes. Someone else tries to fly a kite and it is not successful. Someone else tries to have a picnic and the Quavers embed themselves in their face like bullets.
7) The crew discover an organism that has never been young but never ages either. It is John Hurt.
6) Prometheus turns out to be the name of a cheap sparkling wine that killed the Engineer race.
5) Noomi Rapace turns out to be an anagram that reveals the twist ending plus even deeper layers of meaning.
4) Ridley Scott’s brother Tony actually directed half the film and the climax involves a Mexican standoff on a subway train dangling from the Golden Gate Bridge.
3) The star map that the crew follow is made by Streetmap.co.uk and only half the squares load.
2) Valuable time is wasted on the mission as the explorers spend ages creating large comedy spectacles to put on the giant head statues and then pose next to them for photographs.
1) The crew discovers a highly advanced civilization which was once on the verge of inventing a CD case that didn’t break.
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