7) Shahi Nan kebab shop, Shepherd’s Bush, London. This establishment truly captures the Olympic ideal of overcoming the odds, as its owner escaped jail after the takeaway was behind a major salmonella outrbeak in 2009. Shahi Nan will be providing snacks for all athletes in the track and field events.
6) Diamond Escorts Agency, Hammersmith, London. This firm claims to be an agency for escorts but when we tried to hire them to escort some valuable jewels to Zurich they hung up. It turns out they are in fact prostitutes, whose lithe bodies and preoccupation with the human form make them ideal Olympic partners.
5) Trademark Global. This company is the absolute bomb when it comes to making throwing knives. You could literally kill anyone with these babies. And while martial arts involving lethal weapons are not yet an Olympic event, we reckon that by the time the next Games roll around, they could be, making the company the perfect sponsor. In the words of Trademark Global: thhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhwack!
4) Transformations. Based in Euston Road, London, this describes itself as a one-stop shopping for transvestites, cross dressers and transsexuals. If all countries of the world can be represented at the Olympics, then so can all sexualities. Thanks to this year’s sponsorship of the Games, can you envisage a future opening ceremony in which trannies and cross dressers march loud and proud alongside boxers, weight lifters and people who do karate and stuff? We can.
3) Zhigulyovskoe. This Russian beer attrats rave reviews on the internet such as “cheap lager aroma”, “aroma is rotten grass and skunk’s ass” and “If you happen to be travelling in Armenia, drink the yak’s milk instead. S***.” Our view: an offputting aroma and unbearable taste make it the perfect beer for the Olympics, as it will deter the competitors from drinking too much of the authorised brew.
2) Marlboro lights. All the fit girls in London smoke these, and who fitter than Olympic athletes?
1) Man traps. The exact manufacturer is still to be announced but they are believed to be putting massive investment into the Games in the hope of legitimising their (sadly currently illegal) devices. Man traps conjure up the Olympic spirit as the might of man (the trapped) battles against the might of another man (the trapper). Fight to be free, the traps appear to be saying. Available in a range of finishes.
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