1) Beard. Get one. They all have one. Not for nothing is the SAS’s motto “He who beards, wins”. If, like the author of this article, you can’t grow one, consider some artificial assistance. See picture.
2) Pub part 1. Sit in a nearly empty pub in the afternoon, nursing a Scotch. Every time someone passes you, mutter something about “Operation Certain Death” or “so much bloody blood”. Best of all: “I told the stupid bastard just to leave me for dead but oh no, not Jack.”
3) The dark. If ever the lights go out when you are with other people, drop to your knees and shout: “Contact!”
4) When someone asks your name, even if it’s just at the sorting office, tell them that you cannot reveal it. Leave plenty of time as collecting parcels may take a while.
5) Refuse to travel on underground trains. If anyone laughs at this, grab them by the lapels – obviously this only works on people wearing suits – and snarl: “How many friends did YOU lose in the Tora Bora caves?” Then slot the bastard.
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6) Use the word “slot” to mean “kill”.
7) Do everything in your power to make it look as if you are struggling to adapt to civilian life. The SAS are big on this. Insist on “doing a sweep” of every shop you enter, and put your trousers on the wrong way round. If packets of peanuts prove hard to open in the pub, shoot them multiple times. Then offer them round.
8) Pub part 2. Invite a couple of bearded mates to sit in the pub with you, drinking whisky (see number 2) and talking in low voices about “the settlement from the MoD”. Shuffle some legal-type papers around, too.
9) Sleep in your garden in a tent. This is low-hanging fruit. In the middle of the night, pretend to be on a satellite phone and shout: “I am phoning in an air strike. Stand by for co-ordinates.”
10) Make oblique references to a book deal. “Operation Budgerigar: it will all come out.”
11) Pub part 3. Exit pub by abseiling down the side of the building, even if it’s on the ground floor.
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