8) Public sector killers. Top names include Dr Harold Shipman, school caretaker Iain Huntley, nurse Beverly Allitt and Job Centre worker Dennis Nilsen. If you live in Britain you have a one in five chance of being murdered by a public sector worker.
7) Light entertainment-related death. Whether it’s in Michael Barrymore’s pool or on Jill Dando’s doorstep, the world of light entertainment is tainted with premature death. See Amy Winehouse, Jade Goody et al. To be safe, simply avoid hanging out with the stars, ie only mix with people off ITV.
6) Death by animal. From cunning urban foxes biting babies’ legs to mad cow disease, Britain is a wild jungle of risk. Chance of being killed by an animal: one in six.
5) Minding your own business. A deceptively risky activity. From muggings to riot victims to being struck by falling aircraft/helicopters, you mind your own business at your own risk in the UK. Best to go on the offensive and kick the shit out of someone.
4) Honour killings. In some cultures, you only have to lend your pencil sharpener to a boy at the next desk to risk death this way. But it's not as bad as murder: it's an honour killing. Pashwadan pashpahpaadi, as the old saying invented by The Daily News goes. Literally: "Go in peace. Or kill someone".
3) Being buried. In a supreme twist of irony, Richard III had just given up smoking on the advice of his GP when he found himself suddenly submerged beneath a Leicester car park last year. Similar fates befall an estimated 900 UK citizens every year. Government advice is to tell a friend or relative where you are going, especially if via a car park.
2) Danny Goffey. The former drummer in Supergrass went berserk in 2005, shooting three people dead in the Leicester branch of John Menzies because they’d sold out of Your Carp magazine. Still on the run. Taunts police with short videos which sometimes end with a charity quiz.
1) Jamie Oliver's cardiac arrest on a plate. After getting the nation’s non-cookers hooked on parmesan, he is thought to have killed 9,000 children in the Jamie’s School Dinners scheme alone. Said to have shown "zero remorse".Tweet