Malnutrition, dirty clothing and chronic dehydration – it’s disgusting how some patients let themselves go. Thankfully, to solve this the government today announced that new nurses will spend their first year devoting themselves to basic nursing care. Here The Daily News looks at what a typical day in hospital will look like for nurses in training.
0630. Check your elderly patients. If any appear to be unresponsive, test their cognitive skills, eg hold up the front page of the Express and see if they shout something angrily. If they don’t they are possibly dead. Cover with a sheet and move on. This is called triage.
0800. Breakfast. It’s important to understand the three nutritional caregories. They are: Frosties, Coco Pops and Cheerios.
0900-0915. Between breakfast and poo time it’s time for compassion. You won’t forget because the PA system will alert you with the following reminder: UNDERSTAND WHAT PATIENTS ARE FEELING NOW.
1000. Washing. Dignity is an important element of basic nursing care so only wash their face and hands. No touching the private bits. That is called Sir Jimmy Savile OBE.
1030. Helping them get dressed. Offer patients a range of web links to online retailers and fashion advice sites to show what colours and materials go with what. If there's time, actually help them get dressed. Encourage the elderly to modernise their dress. Remember that by 2016 the government targets are for there to be no wearable polyester in the NHS.
1035. Lunch. If the patient is meant to be taking medication at this time, but are asleep, simply spell out TAKE YOUR MEDICATION in alphabet spaghetti and leave it on a plate for them when they wake up.
1230. Rounds. Remember to check for the signs of dehydration. A dry tongue, throbbing head and lack of energy probably means you have a hangover and shouldn’t be caring for patients. Take the day off. If you find yourself drinking more and more alcohol, you might be more suited to a consultant post, particularly a surgeon’s.
1430. The government fears nurses have “lost routine contact” with those in their care so use this time to arrange a night out clubbing or going to a gig with patients.
Also: the “normalisation of cruelty”. Another big fear of the government. Remember, cruelty must be a last resort and has to be signed off by the ward sister.
1530. Handling complaints from family. Maybe you forgot to send your brother a birthday card or you haven’t been to see mum for a while. This dead time in the afternoon is ideal for making personal calls to sort things out.
1645. Lifting patients. This is another area of basic nursing care the government says nurses are shirking. Work your way along to each of your patients and lift them out of bed, give them a shake and put them back. Exercise compassion at the same time to kill two birds with one stone.
1715. Dinner time/bed time. It’s not always possible to get these two in the right order as they come so close together. Do your best or it can get messy.Tweet