Ryan Wilshire has apparently accepted asylum in the wake of exposing widespread collusion between his brother and mother, in which the former’s bouts of hysterical crying have been silenced over many months with supplies of the titular sweetmeat.
Reports suggest that after telling on brother Jack, 11, in an angry and illiterate Facebook post, Ryan was shocked to open the door the next morning to two high-ranking members of the KGB.
In a fit of pique he accepted their offer of asylum if he agreed to name all the children and mothers involved in similar bribery deals that he was aware of in the UK.
Home secretary Theresa May hit out at the minor from New Malden in Surrey, saying his whistleblowing compromised the safety of all parents who “stuck their necks out to strike such essential covert deals every day”.
Ryan is thought to have already left the UK for Russia, where is likely to follow in the footsteps of Kim Philby and be made a colonel in the KGB, a post for which friends say he is unqualified, his greatest achievement to date being construction of a giant Death Star out of Lego.
It was thought that Ryan vanished just minutes after the whistleblowing incident, but he was soon found hiding behind a sofa.
An MI6 source told The Daily News: “He’s a gift to the Soviets. What he doesn’t know about the sweets-for-silence deals in the New Malden area isn’t worth knowing.”
Russian president Vladimir Putin said he welcomed the eight-year-old’s defection, and decried “Western hypocrisy that seeks to appease an emotional boy through deliveries of a bar form comprising some or all of the following components: cocoa solids, cocoa butter, sugar, milk”.Tweet