2) Give it all a quick wipe down.
3) Build a solid base of firelighters. About 20 should do. Set light to them.
4) Start drinking heavily.
5) Repeatedly shove more firelighters under the charcoal until there’s an inferno.
6) Wait until flames have died and charcoal has turned white before remembering that you haven’t bought any food.
7) Go to supermarket.
8) Find it’s closed.
9) Go to convenience store and buy some unspeakably dreadful sausages.
10) Get home.
11) Realise you forgot burgers, buns, ketchup etc.
12) Realise you do have lots of alcohol and that you can probably wing it with the food.
13) Have argument with partner about why all you have cooked so far is a mouse.
14) Offer to remove mouse skeleton.
15) Top up drink.
16) Pump up Spotify playing from iPhone dock. Dance around a bit.
17) Discreetly listen in to boring conversation between neighbours and one of their parents.
18) Notice you started the barbecue one hour 45 minutes ago.
19) Throw all the food on in panic.
20) Put on Aerosmith’s I Don’t Want To Miss A Thing so loudly that you can sing along without anyone knowing.
21) Reassure yourself that you’ve still got it.
22) Seek bandages as gigantic fireball rises from bbq and is visible by concerned astronauts.
23) Begin scraping heavy layer of black burnt stuff off meat.
24) Begin squirting water frantically on to flames.
25) Have second argument with partner. It doesn’t matter what. There’ll be plenty of choice by this stage.
26) You don’t want to get behind schedule so start on the shorts.
27) More dancing.
28) Get some stale bread from the bread bin and shove some meat into it. Plenty of ketchup.
30) Later, Google divorce lawyers.Tweet