9) The bust-ups. These will cause less disruption than before. In fact, a dedicated “bust-up manager” will be appointed to ensure that ructions only occur right at the end of tours. The boys are older now and therefore a fight co-ordinator will also be hired to teach them to pull punches and use only light props as weapons.
8) No Downing Street reception this time. There won’t be any champagne supernova love-ins between Noel and David Cameron. The reason is less to do with the inherent uncoolness of Tories and Lib Dems and more to do with the fact that we’re all a bit embarrassed about Noel’s original encounter with Blair at No.10, and how cool it seemed at the time. Let’s learn the lessons of history.
7) Baiting foreigners. They clashed with Germans and Americans last time, now for the big Oasis comeback they can have their pick of everyone else. Next up: fisticuffs with Swiss tobacconists, uppercuts thrown at at Taiwanese traffic wardens?
6) The re-emergence of TGI Friday with Chris Evans. Huey from The Fun Lovin’ Criminals! The trainspotting crew! David Seaman! Yes! No! No!
5) The two good albums followed by the massively hyped indulgent album, which sells a million copies before lunchtime and then only 312 in the afternoon once word gets out.
4) Nonsense lyrics and titles. The first single will be called Yes No I Can Can You? and the first album will be called Probably Hello What No. For more on bad Oasis lyrics, read our article here.
3) Nastiness at the Brit Awards. Due to their newfound maturity, there is no fighting but Liam hacks into Kasabian’s bank account and makes several dubious deposits to arouse the suspicions of the taxman.
2) They move to Manchester to prove their authenticity. Authenticity undermined when Liam attacks tram driver who has refused to leave the rails to take him to his ma’s house.
1) Rivalry with Blur fails to materialise after no-one can find anyone from Blur, apart from Alex James on a Saturday morning cookery programme. After finally locating Damon Albarn he agrees to a new Blur vs Oasis battle of the bands and records a song with some Malian musicians about fair trade. Oasis record a song about falling down some steps. Both sell 55 copies and it’s a draw.